Jan 10, 2010
Being a single father you realize how lucky you had it before the separation. I don’t mean the relationship I had with my partner but the access every day to my children. When you’re married you find lots to do that doesn’t involve spending time with the kids. You are busy, you have work to do, there is something “else” to do.
“I’ll be there in a minute…” is a far to common phrase that resonates through too many households.
I am granted access to my children for a total of 66 hours once every two weeks. When you take out sleeping, 26 hours and the drive 12 hours, I have the opportunity to spend 26 hours with my kids. That’s less then 3 days per month of “face time”.
Somewhere over history our court system has deemed this an adequate amount of time to build and maintain a quality father, child relationship. Well I am here to say that it really isn’t. It’s actually completely the opposite. Since there is not much chance of this changing and parents being considered equal, fathers that do care need to create “MTM’s”, moments that matter.
Running a camp I get to work with so many young staff that come from single parent homes. I’ve asked many of them about how they remember growing up with having to live with two parents. So many have said the times they spent with their father were so amazing, or they remember those time with such clarity.
Why is that? It’s because a good single father needs to work to create so much in a very short time. It’s our job to create MTM’s every moment. If we don’t we risk being lost. It’s not a competition, it’s a responsibility.
So, last night my son and I got to enjoy a BIG MTM. I purchased two tickets at a charity auction for a Toronto Maple Leafs game and we watched them lose, it was a horrible game. The Leafs were abysmal. Here’s the thing though, our night was amazing and we created a true MTM.
The moment of clarity for me was when Matthew turned to me and said, “Dad, this is the best night of my life.”
Please understand that this is not meant to say that all fathers deserve equal access, there are many that do not. Each father is different and there needs to be less of a quick, one sided judgement. Until our courts realize that parents are of equal value and that a good father has an equal role in the upbringing of a healthy child, I will continue to find and create MTM’s for my children. I also encourage all parents not to take the time you have with your kids for granted. These days happen only once.
Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing on Jan 10, 2010 at 8:08 am | Permanent Link | Comments (5)
Comment posted on Jan 10, 2010 at 2:08 pm by Emily Saunders (YLCC Member)
I love you daddy! Your awsome! Your the best daddy ever!
Comment posted on Jan 10, 2010 at 8:32 pm by Aaroneous (YLCC Member)
I remember a few “MTM’s”, goin to baseball games with my grampa- goin to a paintball tournament in toronto with my dad- goin to the movies with my aunt.. and the funny thing is i dont remember who the tigers were playin, who won the paintball tournament or what movies i saw with my aunt - - i just know that i had so much fun.
Aaron
Comment posted on Jan 13, 2010 at 6:08 am by Joanne Henry (YLCC Guest)
Hi Stu - while I agree with most of what you are saying - I also have to disagree with some parts of it. Being on the “other end” and being the single mother, working all day, taking out the sleeping time like you mention, driving from here to there taking the kids to their activities, attending all school functions to make sure that there is a familiar face of support in the croud, halping with homework, and all the other great stuff like cooking and cleaning (that the other parent most of the time does not have to deal with on their visits) this parent has to also carve out MTM’s as you put it. In our family we called those Stolen Moments! Moments in time that just happened!
Stu - all I am trying to say is that ALL parents - have to find their MTM’s or Stolen Moments - and as Aaron has so beautifully has shown it - it takes a community of family to help raise healthy, happy and well adjusted children. It’s not just the parents but the Stolen Moments of the granparents, aunts, uncles, family friends, camp directors that make up the Stolen Moments!
We only have so long to make a difference in a childs life - don’t waste it because it will be the biggest regreat one will for every hold in their life.
My son is older now but that does not stop us both from trying to carve out our stolen moments. It is a tradition that I am sure he will carry on with his family.
I thank you Stu and to all your camp associates for helping my son have some of those.
Joanne Henry
Comment posted on Jan 29, 2010 at 5:15 am by Maison (YLCC Guest)
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Comment posted on Feb 1, 2010 at 11:47 am by Shelley McKellar (YLCC Guest)
Stu,
IIm with you and Joanne and Aaron on this one.
Making moments count with friends, family and people around us is invaluable. That, to me is what and all that really matters. Moments that matter are everywhere, every day and the moments that we remember as significant dont have price tags or neon lights attached to them. Climbing a tree in a local park with your daughter or brother, making a snowman outside the local nursing home for the residents to enjoy, picking fruit together, cooking a meal. It all matters and attitude is what makes events special. Nothing to do with the cost of the tickets or the mileage of the journey.
All parents, all children all grandchildren all of us at some point feel it. Time passing, moments we can never reclaim….if only. But if we leave that behind; what matters. Every moment that lies ahead and how we choose to use the time we have, whatever that may be to connect with those that are important to us.