Youth Leadership Camps Canada

Stu-Pendous Blog - Family Life

These are the thoughts of speaker, author and camp director Stu Saunders.
For Stu’s original blog, you may still access his archives here.

• Moments that matter

  Jan 10, 2010

  Being a single father you realize how lucky you had it before the separation. I don’t mean the relationship I had with my partner but the access every day to my children. When you’re married you find lots to do that doesn’t involve spending time with the kids. You are busy, you have work to do, there is something “else” to do.

  “I’ll be there in a minute…” is a far to common phrase that resonates through too many households.

  I am granted access to my children for a total of 66 hours once every two weeks. When you take out sleeping, 26 hours and the drive 12 hours, I have the opportunity to spend 26 hours with my kids. That’s less then 3 days per month of “face time”.

  Somewhere over history our court system has deemed this an adequate amount of time to build and maintain a quality father, child relationship. Well I am here to say that it really isn’t. It’s actually completely the opposite. Since there is not much chance of this changing and parents being considered equal, fathers that do care need to create “MTM’s”, moments that matter.

  Running a camp I get to work with so many young staff that come from single parent homes. I’ve asked many of them about how they remember growing up with having to live with two parents. So many have said the times they spent with their father were so amazing, or they remember those time with such clarity.

  Why is that? It’s because a good single father needs to work to create so much in a very short time. It’s our job to create MTM’s every moment. If we don’t we risk being lost. It’s not a competition, it’s a responsibility.

  So, last night my son and I got to enjoy a BIG MTM. I purchased two tickets at a charity auction for a Toronto Maple Leafs game and we watched them lose, it was a horrible game. The Leafs were abysmal. Here’s the thing though, our night was amazing and we created a true MTM.

  The moment of clarity for me was when Matthew turned to me and said, “Dad, this is the best night of my life.”

  Please understand that this is not meant to say that all fathers deserve equal access, there are many that do not. Each father is different and there needs to be less of a quick, one sided judgement.  Until our courts realize that parents are of equal value and that a good father has an equal role in the upbringing of a healthy child, I will continue to find and create MTM’s for my children. I also encourage all parents not to take the time you have with your kids for granted. These days happen only once.

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing on Jan 10, 2010 at 8:08 am | Permanent Link | Comments (5)

• because of you

  Dec 2, 2009

  I am not a “writer”. I have never published a novel. Poetry is not my thing. I am not that eloquent. I love to “spell check”.

  I am not the owner of multiple degrees. My awards shelf is small and the accolades are yet to arrive.

  I write though. I write to express my thoughts. I write to share ideas. I write for me and I guess in the end I am writing for you.

  There’s something about have someone else read my thoughts. It is even better out loud. It’s like a second chance at thinking it through.

  Sometimes when I hear my BLOG read, I hear the words I wanted to say but somehow didn’t.

  Imagine if you had someone else in your head to read your words back to you before you spoke them. Before you hurt someone with careless comments. Before you said “hate”. Maybe you wouldn’t be so quick to say no or even yes.

  Maybe if I could of had you read me my thoughts when I was making all those poor choices… maybe I would have done things differently or not at all. Perhaps I wouldn’t have said some of the things I said or acted the way I did.

  Perhaps though, I would not have lived this life at all. There is something about hearing my thoughts with such eloquence and clarity that makes me sound smarter.

  Here’s the reality though. Most of us don’t have our thoughts read back to us. We have to trust ourselves. Sometimes that person is a scary person to trust. Maybe, just maybe we’re not supposed to have that angel on our shoulder. In the end the universe might just want us to learn from our own mistakes and have no filter at all. Really isn’t that what life is all about?

  I think we actually get this opportunity given to us everyday. It may be the role of a mom or dad, teacher, sister, brother, uncle, coach, doctor, friend, partner, the speaker in the assembly or stranger you meet only once. What if they are telling us that we need to rethink our choices, decisions or path. We choose not to listen though because we don’t need to be “told”. We already know.

  I think we are supposed to listen but we don’t. It takes forever for us to learn. Hey, maybe it’s this blog?

  In the end I still like it when you read my BLOGS back to me.

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing on Dec 2, 2009 at 6:38 am | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

• Family Time?

  Nov 18, 2009

  Every night as a child without question we came home and my family ate together. It was just the way it was. We all talked at dinner, sometimes we fought, sometimes we just sat together and celebrated our disfunction. This continued well after my parents separated. My mom would make dinner for my brother and I. Even when she was a single mom, working full time and struggling to make ends meet.

  As the generations changed, the idea of nightly dinners disappeared. There became Sunday night dinners. One night a week that you would try to eat as a family. Now, in 2009 we fall to the quick fix, microwave, boil in the bag, throw in the oven for 20 minutes type meals. The real crime is that a family dinner has become “eating out”. I am guilty of this as well. I am a single dad that struggles with eating at home, making a dinner, creating a meal that everyone likes. It is MUCH easier to just order off a menu and let someone else cook and clean.

  It doesn’t make it right though.

  I was just in Michigan, having dinner at a very expensive chain restaurant, on a Tuesday, in an area that is the hardest hit in America due to the current economic “crisis”.

  Not a seat open in the house. 15-20 minute wait. I look over at a family of four, drinking pop, eating a tower of onion rings, one of the boys standing on his chair while eating, the oldest daughter texting, the middle daughter playing her Nintendo DS, the mother reading an email on her Blackberry, the father was oblivious to it all.

  I asked my waitress how much they spent on their dinner… “about $200…”

  I was so saddened. I was sad for that family because they won’t have the experience that I had. My family was and is far from perfect, but I cherish those dinners more then ever. I am making a commitment this weekend to my family, we will eat at home, I will cook and we will all talk, laugh and argue together. That’s a family, I hope it’s not too late to save that old idea.

  What’s for dinner tonight?

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life on Nov 18, 2009 at 2:42 pm | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

• Hallmark happiness

  Jun 21, 2009

  Here I sit on my deck on a beautiful sunny Sunday, I reflect on my good fortune. I have three children. All amazing and unique in their own ways.

  I am a single father and don’t get to see my kids nearly as much as I would like or probably should.

  Today is also Father’s day. The holiday was started in 1910 and became an official holiday in 1972 after president Nixon signed a congressional resolution. It’s mostly celebrated in North America. The day really became big when the Hallmark greeting card company realized there was plenty of money to be made. More money is made on Mother’s day then Father’s day but there were no shortage of people lined up yesterday buying a card at the last minute.

  Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the idea of a day dedicated to recognizing the role of a father in a child’s life. Their role has been downplayed for most of history, their rights have been pushed aside in most custody cases. I am all for a one day “special” high five, a nice hand made card and a cup of tea made for me. I think though that we NEED to celebrate our loved ones; family, friends and colleagues every single day. It’s not in a card on a specific day that has great impact, it’s the phone call when you least expect it or the hand written note that arrives in October for no reason. Those are the moments that I would cherish much, much more.

  So today celebrate your dad, grandfather or friend who works hard to raise his children. The real challenge and gift is to do it again some other day, not on a calendar but in your heart.

  Please follow me on Twitter. I will be sending out a FREE Twitter Cast called “Breaking from the heard” on Friday for all those that are following me in Twitter.

  https://twitter.com/ylccstu

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Family Life Learning and Growing Motivation on Jun 21, 2009 at 12:06 pm | Permanent Link | Comments (2)

• seventy three

  Apr 6, 2009

  Here’s the amazing thing. My father is 73 years old. He and my mom who is 70, have been living in the jungle for 5 weeks in Costa Rica. Their days are full of adventure. Hiking through the mountains, riding rafts down the river, waking at 5 am to swim under a waterfall.

  I just got a bunch of pictures from them. The one I have included is of my father repelling down a cliff into a warm pool at the base of a waterfall.

  He’s 73 years old. Stop putting off the life you were destined to live people. Do something amazing today. His actions have inspired me for sure.

  

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Family Life Learning and Growing Motivation on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:01 am | Permanent Link | Comments (5)

• Short… sweet

  Mar 25, 2009

  I am sitting at my favourite Starbucks enjoying a latte. I know all the staff, I am a regular. The manager is sitting at the table beside me. She has just promoted a young barista to a shift supervisor. I am happy to see her so excited. I open my Macbook and look at my dozen new emails.

  “I don’t know it you heard?” says the manager as she leans over to me.

  “No, what’s the news?” I reply.

  “Sandy the other Starbucks Manager, her husband passed away on Sunday.”

  “How?!”

  “Sudden, don’t know all the details. Went into hospital on Wednesday and was gone on Sunday.”

  “How old?” I asked.

  “39”

  “I’m 39.”

  We were all silent for a few minutes.

  Life is short, we need to make it sweet. Be great, be awesome. Stop complaining about silly things that are truly silly. Hug your children, love your spouse, smile at a stranger, lead without title.

  Now.

  You know this stuff. I talk about it all the time. This is not new.

  “The sad part about it is we all go back to our lives and not think about it in a few days.” the manager adds as I empty my inbox.

  True.

  Need to stop that, need to stop.

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Goal Setting Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing Motivation on Mar 25, 2009 at 1:26 pm | Permanent Link | Comments (6)

• Celebrate?

  Mar 17, 2009

  Just a quick BLOG today. It’s St. Patrick’s Day and I hope everyone enjoys this the most green of days. I challenge you though to do it wisely… you don’t need to get drunk to celebrate.

  Please be safe, approximately 207 people die or are seriously injured each day in Canada from drinking and driving. Please know that the only people that truly benefit from you drinking to excess is the companies that make the drinks we buy.

  More money is spent every year promoting the use of alcohol than on any other product on the market.  The alcohol industry generates more than $65 billion annually and spends more than $1 billion on advertising.

  Please remember A.C.E. today and every day… Awareness - Choices - End Results.

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing on Mar 17, 2009 at 5:53 am | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

• Perspective

  Mar 2, 2009

  I would walk up the path to the shop almost every morning to say hello. In at 5 am there wasn’t much of a chance that you wouldn’t find Gord already there, cleaning up his workshop, painting a door, fixing one of the tractors. You knew he was there, he had the morning news playing or perhaps the all oldies station. Humming to himself, tapping his feet.

  “Morning my son!” came the chipper and fatherly voice from the back of the shop. “Morning Gord! How’s the day lookin’?” I would reply.

  “Incredible, did you hear the birds this morning? Incredible!”

  That was Gord, pretty much every day. Until he got sick. After a mis-diagnosis by the local hospital… Hernia they said. He moved to Calgary to be closer to his son. When the pain continued he went to the Alberta hospital. Not a hernia at all, nope. Cancer.

  He has battled it for the last three years and we have thought about him often, hoping and praying for him to get better. I hadn’t seen him since he left. Had a couple of telephone calls, a few holiday cards back and forth. Then on Sunday morning came a knock on my door. There he was Gord and his wife. Big hugs all around, so good to see him. We all gathered around the dining room table to catch up. It was great… until… Henni leaned over to me and said, “Gord’s here to say goodbye. The doctors have said he has 6 months.”

  SLAM! Wow, what do you say. I just tried to smile and soak up the moment. His smile, making everyone laugh at the table. Henni, wiping away the tears that were forming in her eyes.”

  After about a 45 minute visit, I went to show Gord the Dining hall, we renovated it since he left. He said he was so proud of us, of me. He gave me a big hug. Just before he left he said, thank you for letting him be part of YLCC. It meant a lot to him. Then he drove away, tears in both of our eyes.

  It’s strange to think… I may never see you again. I felt empty.

  Life has a strange way of trying its best to show you its fragility. My dearest friend Laura who is 29 is recovering from her Chemo for Breast Cancer, another example of how life couldn’t care less if you feel you’re to young or to good to be hit by its incredible power. It may not be fair, but it’s life. I was diagnosed in September with progressive MS and that is scary as well, who knows how my life will turn out from this point on. I don’t plan on getting sicker, but I can only do so much. What I do know is that I am getting less and less patient with the petty little problems that people (me included) waste their time and energy on. Complaining about their situation, their cards that they were dealt, the place they live, the way a friend treats them. Here’s the point. YOU can CHANGE anything YOU want.

  The new rip in my jeans doesn’t deserve anger, it deserves to be fixed, or patched or perhaps to make some styling seventies jean shorts out of them. People who complain about their weight while eating a sticky bun should stop and look in a mirror. Put it all in perspective. I remember being crushed in high school by a girl who broke my heart, devastated in fact. I was trying to remember her name the other day…. perspective. How much time did I waste being upset? Yes, I know that at the time it was important but that’s because I was unable to put it in perspective!

  My daughter was sick last night, she was coughing and hacking. At 2 am she began to cry because she just wanted to fall asleep. I started to get a little frustrated, thinking ‘come on just take a drink of the water I gave you suck it up’... then I thought of it from her perspective. So I got up, talked to her, wiped the tears away, fluffed up her pillow and went to the 24 hours drug store. I purchased some couch medicine and returned to give her a tablespoon of the cherry flavoured concoction… within 30 minutes she was asleep. Thankful, I did my job, I’m her dad. Nothing else matters.

  I sat in my bed at 4 am, thinking of Gord and saying good bye. I thought of my life and my kids. I think I need to keep working on putting things in perspective. I need to focus on what’s truly important.

  Today could be the day that it all changes. For you as well…

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing on Mar 2, 2009 at 9:34 am | Permanent Link | Comments (14)

• Lesson’s from a tea cup

  Feb 17, 2009

  Sitting in a Starbucks, just finished interviewing a great young man for a possible job with our organization. I asked him what his passion was… great question.

  I was looking around the coffee house and saw a tea cup for sale, it has a tag attached to it that read…

  sip.
  talk.
  write.
  read.
  eat.
  listen.
  be.

  I love that. Aren’t those powerful words and actions. I like how each word is followed by a period. Which means that each one is singularly important. We need to SIP. We need to TALK. We need to WRITE. My favourite is BE, because we need to sometimes stop pushing for tomorrow and BE in the moment. Live in the moment now, do what you love now, cherish the moment now.

  It was a beautiful night this past Sunday and the sky at my home was incredible, millions of stars. My daughter suggested that we put on our winter gear and grab the sleds and enjoy the night. So much laughter… beautiful. My favourite moment, my BE, was when we lied down in the snow and looked up… magnificent. That was a time to not think about the next day, week or month, but to BE in that moment.

  Write down each of those words and then write a little after each word. Sip - Who do you have coffee with? Talk - Who do you have conversations with, are you spending enough time in good conversations? Write - Do you journal, write letters (real letters, cards, notes)? Read - What are you reading? Gossip rags or great books? Eat - What do you eat? Good food, bad food, healthy food? Listen - Are you listening to yourself, your body, to what matters (two ears, one mouth for a reason). Be - Are you in this moment. Enjoy it!

  Write your list, in your journal and perhaps share it here on STUpendous BLOG. Maybe you will inspire someone else with your list.

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing Motivation on Feb 17, 2009 at 1:15 pm | Permanent Link | Comments (3)

• Colours or colors

  Dec 28, 2008

  I am reading a book to my daughter, she received it from her Grandma for Christmas. She asked me to read it to her, not because she can’t read but because I believe she feels it will ensure that we can spend more time together. I am more then happy to do it. Although I find myself sometimes putting her off… I guess it’s because I think there is something else I should be doing. In reality though what could be more important then spending time with my children? I learned the value of not being a “commercial dad” a long time ago. Putting your children to bed during the commercial break is not a very good way to end your child’s day and fill them with great thoughts before they fall asleep.

  Which brings me back to the book, the story is about a little girl who can see a colour in everything. She sees the number two as pink and the number four as pale blue. She also sees people in a unique colour, her mean older sister she’s sees as a murky swamp water brown, her best friend as the warm orange glow of ambers in a campfire. Very descriptive and beautiful. When we finished the first chapter she turned to me and said, “What colour do you see me as dad?”, hard question. “Rose pink, because you are loving and caring and roses are given by loving and caring people and they are pretty just like you!”

  I felt pretty good about my answer, “What colour am I Emily?” I returned the question.

  “Thick Green Grass!” She said confidently.

  “Why Green?”, “Simple, it’s because grass is strong and holds the world together and that’s what you do for us.”

  Wow, how do you beat that? I smiled and hugged her a little longer then usual. I am truly blessed to have the three children I have.

  So here’s a question for you… What colour do you see yourself as and why? Are you happy with the colour you see and what could you do to be a little brighter and more bold?

  
  

  Posted by Stu Saunders in Leadership Family Life Learning and Growing on Dec 28, 2008 at 8:31 pm | Permanent Link | Comments (5)

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